Mostly my fear manifests in the dark. When I’m just about to close my eyes my mind begins to wander. Before I allow myself to drift off I suddenly lurch into full panic mode. My heart starts racing. My heart thumps so loudly that I swear it will wake everyone up. I try to breath calmly and ignore the trickle of sweat that’s rolling from my brow and wipe it from trailing into my eyes.
My husband is passed out sleeping the sleep of the just. I gently hold the back of his head as my tears fall. I am so afraid of losing him. Not because of infidelity, but through death. I pray that when the time comes I will be able to see his shining light and we will be together throughout eternity as light blazing across the universe entwined together.
I know my fear of losing my body is petty as I believe we have astral shapes. There has to be more than this. The body is a shell and it only houses our soul for a little while before we become dust to dust, ashes to ashes and our soul soars into the heavens.
Yet, I have paralyzing thoughts of that moment. I am selfish and don’t want to go. I want to hold on to this body, I want to hold on to this earth, I want to hold on to the physical plane. My hope is that the other side is beyond all this and that it’s as easy as slipping into another pair of shoes that fit perfectly. When that skin shedding occurs, I’ll be able to jump free of the physical restrains and rejoice in the joy of being free from earthly suffering. There will be a celebration of sorts and I will see all those I love again.
With all my heart I believe this, yet I am so afraid.